And all through the house,
not a creature was stirring.
Thank you, Terminix!

I visited a
nude beach just outside Berlin.
I am unhappy.

10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors
is an idiot.

Anniversary
to PornHub, a website I
just now heard about.

Tweeting this from the
White House. The Obamas look
so peaceful sleeping.

Even small acts of
compassion bring meaning and
purpose to our lives.

Deceiving ourselves
that money is the source of
happiness, we won’t.

I know it's wrong to
generalize, but I just
don't like murderers.

A long time ago
in a galaxy far, far
away, dudes wore vests.

Give more attention
to the present moment then
thoughts about your past.

Is the link to the
new Magic Mike trailer a
good Mother’s Day gift?

“hold on - scrolling,” when
someone asks me for the time
on my Apple Watch.

I’m developing
breasts! Wait, am I not texting
my doctor right now?

My son said he was
just going to use my phone
to play Angry Birds.

Manson really loves
his fiancée by the way he
hasn’t murdered her.

Cranston's fans send him
erotic mail. My fans send
me expired sunblock.

Someone please take an
Instagram of this Tweet and
then Vine about it.

Never bet on a
team named after an Edgar
Allan Poe poem.

Good morning. Look up
from your phone. You aren't alone.
Your life is your own.

1. Move stuff. 2. Fast.
3. Repeat. 3 PILLARS OF
GUARANTEED SUCCESS.

No one can help you
lift that weight off the ground. You
must do it yourself.

Many other things.
I have very little time
for watching T.V.

Your inner purpose
is to awaken. It is
as simple as that.

You are not those thoughts.
You are the awareness that
notices the thoughts.

Feeling will get you
closer to the truth of who
you are than thinking.

Is it because you
are identified with a
mental position?

Any movement is
defined by the adherents
who shout the loudest.

Leader Kim Jong-Un
contemplates his mighty and
most potent missile.

Peace doesn’t come from
prayer alone, it requires
us to take action.

You know you're in small
town Iowa when you see
a water tower.

Caring for others
is the best way to fulfil
our own interests.

Friendship depends on
trust—not money, not power,
not education.

If we are full of
anger how can we expect
to bring about peace.

If you succeed, it
will open the way to a
far more peaceful world.

But we should always
remain humble, modest and
unpretentious.

We all need basic
human values rooted in
trust and affection.

If you dedicate
yourself to helping others,
you’ll be happier.

Not from expressions
of wealth or fame, but from our
showing affection.

We need not only
a trained intelligence, but
also a warm heart.

The very purpose
of spirituality
is self-discipline.

Don't blame others for
your uneasy feelings; blame
your own state of mind.

Expecting rapid
results is simply a sign
of impatience.

I fired my writers
because for the next 4 years,
jokes will write themselves.

I’ve got great news. The
bad news is that I don’t know
what adjectives are.

I would try soy hot
dogs, but I’m afraid they’re full
of soy lips and snouts.

Got a new hairstyle
today thanks to 30 West
African women.

Joke of the Day: I’m
hung like a horse, if the horse
is Eohippus.

Cruise running at top
speed could be the cure for male
infertility.

Can someone give me
the contact info for El
Chapo’s contractor?

Burger King says it’s
planning to transition to
a democracy.

20 dudes in my
living room – plans are all set
for Valentine’s Day!

I’m dressed as Hello
Kitty for Hello Kitty
Con, NOT Halloween.

America is
ready for a woman to
scale the White House fence.

I’m really hungry,
tired, or unhappy with my
cell phone reception.

For Mother’s Day I’m
giving my wife the one thing
she wants from me: space.

When I panic, my
voice pitches down to a smooth
mellow baritone.

DON'T TELL ME WHO WON
THE ELECTION. I've got it
Tivoed. #NoSpoilers.

Hope it’s not about
the internet history
on my Macbook Pro.

I sent my Mom an
assortment of unsecured
Greek Treasury bonds.

That IS a tube of
Chapstick in my pocket AND
I'm glad to see you.

This is blood money.
They’re paying for tax cuts with
American lives.

It doesn't matter
whether a position is
"left-wing" or "right-wing".

You are making a
value judgment every time
do you anything.

Haha don't worry
it's just as confusing to
everyone else too.

Get expert advice
on where to donate to have
the highest impact.

Unthinkable: Are
you part of the 1%
but just don’t know it?

What is the biggest
obstacle to reducing
chicken consumption?

Since 2000, rates
of malaria around
the world have fallen.

Wake up a little
earlier each day. That will
make you tired at night.

The person behind
“Fun Sized” candy bars has been
tried for war crimes, right?

Help us fight to keep
the marketplace of ideas
open for business.

I was given 2
lovely dancing-lemur ties.
Card gives no surname.

The regressive left
is a new enemy of
logic and reason.

My only point was
that sex can be orders of
magnitude better.

Have a look the first
item to come up the search:
How to leave Islam.

I hop on his huge
cock while he eats her pussy.
my pussy's happy.

Check it out and let
me know what you think. 😘 She pulls
my panties aside...

Does anyone know
how I can go volunteer
in the Bahamas??

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD! OH. MY.
FUCKING. GOD! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!

You seeing me weak
is your weakness not seeing
my strength is your death!

Girl too many treats
she’s got a double chin now.
Awwwww adorable!!