One hundred and twenty six haiku by @conanobrien

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Made by Bevan Barton

And all through the house,
not a creature was stirring.
Thank you, Terminix!

I visited a
nude beach just outside Berlin.
I am unhappy.

A long time ago
in a galaxy far, far
away, dudes wore vests.

Anniversary
to PornHub, a website I
just now heard about.

Manson really loves
his fiancée by the way he
hasn’t murdered her.

Tweeting this from the
White House. The Obamas look
so peaceful sleeping.

I know it's wrong to
generalize, but I just
don't like murderers.

Can someone give me
the contact info for El
Chapo’s contractor?

Is the link to the
new Magic Mike trailer a
good Mother’s Day gift?

“hold on - scrolling,” when
someone asks me for the time
on my Apple Watch.

I’m developing
breasts! Wait, am I not texting
my doctor right now?

My son said he was
just going to use my phone
to play Angry Birds.

Cranston's fans send him
erotic mail. My fans send
me expired sunblock.

Someone please take an
Instagram of this Tweet and
then Vine about it.

Never bet on a
team named after an Edgar
Allan Poe poem.

I sent my Mom an
assortment of unsecured
Greek Treasury bonds.

I fired my writers
because for the next 4 years,
jokes will write themselves.

I’ve got great news. The
bad news is that I don’t know
what adjectives are.

I would try soy hot
dogs, but I’m afraid they’re full
of soy lips and snouts.

Got a new hairstyle
today thanks to 30 West
African women.

Joke of the Day: I’m
hung like a horse, if the horse
is Eohippus.

Cruise running at top
speed could be the cure for male
infertility.

Burger King says it’s
planning to transition to
a democracy.

20 dudes in my
living room – plans are all set
for Valentine’s Day!

I’m dressed as Hello
Kitty for Hello Kitty
Con, NOT Halloween.

America is
ready for a woman to
scale the White House fence.

I’m really hungry,
tired, or unhappy with my
cell phone reception.

For Mother’s Day I’m
giving my wife the one thing
she wants from me: space.

When I panic, my
voice pitches down to a smooth
mellow baritone.

DON'T TELL ME WHO WON
THE ELECTION. I've got it
Tivoed. #NoSpoilers.

Hope it’s not about
the internet history
on my Macbook Pro.

That IS a tube of
Chapstick in my pocket AND
I'm glad to see you.

The person behind
“Fun Sized” candy bars has been
tried for war crimes, right?

Crossed Kim Jong-un off
my Christmas list. You have to
take a stand somewhere.

Football players? I’ve
been working out and now have
the strength of ten men.

Generation stormed
Normandy so that today,
we could storm Target.

Fantasy Football
playoffs. That’s what I get for
drafting all kickers.

I sent to Andy,
slavishly praising our new
boss Kevin Reilly.

And get this, it was
a semi. By the way - no
charge for that tweet.

Prime. There are 2 Reds
on the season finale of
@TheComebackHBO.

$50 a
barrel, because Valentine's
Day is coming up.

Korean spa. You've been
warned. #CONAN. Saw the “Fifty
Shades of Grey” movie.

I don’t know why, but
I’m a much better dancer
when I’m in Cuba.

I explain that one
day, Joe Biden might place his
hands on her shoulders.

Beyoncé have surfaced,
the truth is out: I am the
one they call Beyoncé.

#ConanCUBA airs
3/4. The food in Cuba
was incredible.

I'll be sharing some
photos and commentary
here for the next hour.

I hired some Boston
guys to fly here to L.A. and
question my manhood.

Princess Elsa moves
to Boston to see what a
real winter looks like.

But I think I just
saw a commercial without
a Who song in it.

Baltimore Raven
published a complex study
in a math journal.

Dench. .@rickygervais
That's bullshit. I've never had
a sperm count that high.

Catholic priests
out there, I know tomorrow
is your Super Bowl!

.@LindseyGrahamSC I'll
do whatever you want. Just
don't send Doug Stamper.

Contest! #autismschools.
In honor of Earth Day, I’m
recycling my tweets.

Glad to see movie
production coming back to
California!

Fiorina has
a great strategy to win
the nomination.

I’m dying to know
if it ends with a hello
or a good-bye.

Current Gretzky must
now be called The Old Gretzky
or The New McDavid.

The hand model in
commercials who squeezes lemon
juice on breaded shrimp?

Hey Pope- want to get
booed? Go to any sporting
event in Philly.

Which GOP candidate
is going to step up and
take on the Amish?

TV will get to
the point where “Dating Clothed” will
be a breakthrough show.

I can’t believe Matt
Damon is alone on Mars
without Ben Affleck.

Guys, how many times
do I have to say I was
drunk and I’m sorry?

Base in Qatar and
I'm taking over @FLOTUS'
Instagram account.

Meeting the troops, &
finally getting to dress
like a gardener.

Astronomers have
found the farthest object in
our solar system.

Lester Holt. The KKK has
gone to the Supreme Court to
adopt a highway.

Schlansky's heart is the
best Christmas gift I could ask
for. #ConanStarWars.

‘twas the night after
Christmas, and all through the house,
man I’m freakin’ drunk.

Year'z rezolution
iz to have more fun with Z's. It’s
January 9th.

Bill Belichick just
called and asked if I’ve ever
played wide receiver.

I think Rey is the
daughter of Harry Potter
and Wonder Woman.

Bowl 50, they’re BOTH
winners in my book-- The Book
of Not How Sports Work.

Book of Not How Sports
Work. Congrats to Von. Defense
wins championships.

Attention #Korea!
Come greet me today at the
Incheon airport.

Valentine's Day in
Klingon you're probably not
celebrating it.

Na-ra Jang. She was
great.… Stopped by a #PCBang to play
some video games.

Going over my
setlist for a cameo
tonight in #Vegas.

#ConanKorea This
is either going ruin my
career or make it.

Masshole! I hate it
when adults try to relate
to youth using slang.

And if I do get
caught it's "stolen property,
please come with me, sir"?

Grills or Less line. Hey
Conan here, with some 4th of
July grilling tips.

I can’t wait to see
the pictures that Jupiter
doesn’t want released.

French accent. Someday
they’ll ask “Where's the British guy?”
but so far not yet.

The cast has the warm
smiles of people being forced
to pose with the boss.

I'll be back again
next year! #ConanCon. I’ve got
good news and bad news.

I too late for a
Matthew McConaughey “alt-right,
alt-right, alt-right” tweet?

Of Berlin I'm in
Berlin to see the sights and
catch some Pokemann.

California…
watching the leaves change color
because they’re on fire.

Congratulations
to Lester Holt, Anderson
Cooper, and Cee-Lo.

Don’t leave me alone
with that man. There’s no freude
like Schadenfreude.

All of them in the
profession of fact-checking.
Conangelina.

I can't park on their
lawn and watch movies through the
living room window.

But they aren’t worse than
Woodrow Wilson’s “Our Nation
Could Be Nifty” scarves.

Fathers were alive
today, they'd probably win
Dancing with the Stars.

Pigs and the wolf in
Red Riding Hood were roommates
at UC Santa Cruz.

Fargo to open
a checking account for this
bowl of minestrone.

Andy, it's me, your
ol' pal Conan, wishing you
a happy birthday!

I’m giving out a
Halloween treat every child
loves: some stern advice.

#ConanNYC
Just trick or treated at Trump
headquarters. Raisins!

I’m so happy to
be back on stage with my friend
@RealTracyMorgan.

President in a
row. (The previous record
was 47).

This is exactly
what VR technology was not
made for. Thanks @YouTube.

Brookstone, use all the
massagers, then leave without
buying anything.

But those signs were hand
painted by George W. Bush and
NOT to be taken.

Secret Santa that
you won’t even know if I
got you anything.

I not supposed to
yell “Pooty Tang?” An old friend
sent me this photo.

So why did I just
spend 3 hours on Pinterest
looking at kilims?

City to repair
US-Mexican relations.
#ConanMexico.

Cage this weekend, could
you let me know if it’s as
good as the novel?

Jong Un wants to meet
with President Trump. I smell
a buddy movie!

Francisco used for
making porn is closing. Man,
if those walls could moan.

Anybody else
have “war with Australia”
in the office pool?

"huevos."… Here at
one of the world's largest squares
aka el zócalo.

I've tenderized an
octopus with a hammer.
#ConanMexico.

My kids saw "Kong: Skull
Island" and now they want their
own pet Hiddleston.

Siri, did The Beatles
ever use female backup
singers in their songs?

Spicer to smell it.
If he says it smells fine, I
know to throw it out.

44 years. And
she’s almost finished paying
off her student loans.

NJ. I would try soy hot
dogs, but I’m afraid they’re full
of soy lips and snouts.

Spiderman will be
like getting called to serve
on jury duty.

Spotify last week
and I'm supposed to think of
funny tweets right now?

Edvard Munch is the
guy who did a painting of
the scream emoji.

I traded sick burns
and bad puns in the latest
#CluelessGamer.